JustAnu

It's past midnight and I can't fall asleep. My mind is running wild, thinking in all aspects of life which is yet to come but I can't come to a conclusion, what exactly am I supposed to do next. Stay patient and let life come in way it's destined to be ? Keep waiting for the right time for the things to come ? I feel nervous , excited and impatient all at the same time.  I know very well that life couldnt be lived with rehearsals. Things will happen spontaneously and most of the special moments will be lived once, will be lived without any chance for second thought and something would just happen, irrespective of your reaction to it. I can't help it if I feel the decision taken wasn't right and I can't help prepare for the unexpected right now, when I feel you have time for it.  Have Patience girl and Presence !

Pretty standard evenings these days are one part of the day I crave for , everyday. Coming back from a workout almost around 6:30, that's the scenery welcoming the calm after a satisfactory workout, satiating my thirst of fresh Breeze and a glass of cold milk. I couldn't capture the whole sun set , but the shades it had spread in the sky did the job of bringing the soothing feeling and the peace. Going back in and getting off all the sweat , I get back to another of my favourite evening routine-  it's either getting post- workout meal preparation with the background bollywood songs  or actually heading out, to be out of the four walls and get in the city,  just being out there feels enough to call it a day-well- spent.

While travelling by a speedy vehicle, watching the landscapes passing by reminds me of the transience of events happening in our lives. The experiences we love and the ones we dread , both are alike in the eyes of time. It will all pass . It's all temporary. Some things do stay for longer than others. Some just stay in our heads while others bave impact on the daily happenings around us. Heard of the Sandcastle analogy of life ? That our lives is just like the sandcastle on the beach which is there one moment but maybe not the other moment ? The saying that we are just one call away or a few minutes away from living the life we never imagined for us? The whole perspective of impermanence of life was out of my mind for the last few months. There was something I wanted to hold tighter in my hands , with the aim of protecting it with me and not letting go. The tighter I tried to hold it, more hurting it became and faster it slipped away from me.  Learning letting go is not going to be...

She was travelling by train when she thought about him .They weren't related by blood. They met in college, became friends, he fulfilled her need of having a person close but no major restrictions and expectations. He did that flawlessly. That's all she knew. She longed to know what he thought of her. Of course she wasn't the most obedient person around him. They disagreed, she used to lose her demeanour and blabber whatever came to her heart, ultimately apologising for her reaction but not leaving her firm opinions unspoken. Their relationship wasn't public. Just a few friends knew about them and no one spoke a word beyond what was needed. The balance was perfect between them. The disclosures and the privacy, the secrets, held in heart or revealed with tears, the space they gave to each other yet being just a click away when needed. She thought about the day they first met without considering time-boundaries. She was just out from work-related trouble. He was just back...

Shut the doors, and focus on keeping yourself warm for, the one who had to go has departed already. You have sent your prayers, the silent ones and the other louder than necessary to be heard and yes, he has heard them. There is nothing more that could be done on your side. Keeping the doors open won't lure him back. It will just keep you cold from the thoughts and apprehensions. You've got to move forward and the first step that's needed is to close the doors. You'll be the potential villan in the story but at least you'll sleep with peace of mind for yourself. Think of how life would be, even if you got him back, but would it be back to normal, as comfortable as the time when none of this has happened? Accept that things have not been well understood and recovery is going to be from both the sides. Unlike the rest of the times, you can't cover up from his side today. And you can't coverup the whole matter just by yourself. Accept. And close the door.

I have spent hours and hours going over our conversations , trying to catch the moments where things went wrong, where steps could have been taken right at the moment to prevent what happened, from happening. Hours and hours of shedding tears, shying away from family, pretending everything is fine, all while having a numbing pain in the head and moist redness in the eyes. I long for spending my time alone as those are the moments where I can be completely honest with myself. They say I react to much. I invest and then expect too much. I am the ones who breaks relationships because things affect me and you never told me your side of the story. I can't be half invested. I can't be away from you and pretend that things between us haven't changed. Things have changed and that would show. I know he has a life outside me, that I should be respecting his individuality and space. I agree. I have been doing that since day 1.  What about the space he has left behind , treating me lik...

I asked him to wait downstairs for me. We just entered the hotel room we booked for ourselves and being exhausted by the journey and captivated by the beauty of the hotel interiors, he didn't take 5 minutes of our arrival, to announce that we are directly to head out in the Food Court of the hotel.  We are not lovers, just students who managed a short trip on a budget, hence the decision of booking a single room. Lets call him H. Inside the room, I take my time to relax, change my Short Kurti-jeans into a cute one piece flared mini dress, paired with lace up flats but the component I was waiting so desperately were the colored lenses (no more specks on this trip) and the Bob - styled wig. Don't get me wrong, I am super comfortable in my normal outfit, specks and naturally wavy hair in my regular life, but today..., well, it's not the Normal Day in my Normal life! My phone rang and I know it's him.  "We do not have whole day" he said, mimicking the 3 Idiots...

 I had 2 options with me ,  either I stay quiet about all the dissatisfactions I was carrying in me and accomplish Peace on the outside, or just the opposite of it - speak out my heart, even if that doesn't make sense for the one it's referred to and keep my heart out of the chaos on the inside. As always, I preferred the second option. They need to hear their own effects. How am I going to store. But this comes with the fact that, why do I always have to be the dissatisfied one , why do I am the one who has been affected enough to express. I don't like confronting them again and again and again. Aren't they affected ? Though, keeping mouth shut  and letting the distance grow silently have never been the preferred choice . 

The feeling in the heart saying - what am I doing here - still lingers, waiting for the moment when things make sense, when the dots backward connect , when all the efforts and chaos feels worth going through. What is causing these thoughts, and what would it take get better free of them ? It's been long I have been bothered by these thoughts, never concluding in an answer. There is flicker of possibility I thought we have, which is to discover a feeling so freeing that feels like magic which comes over once we cross that threshold efforts levels. Only the beginnings are tough, once you get better, you'll start enjoying and that's where the magic begins! That's what I thought. Well, right now, this feeling is fading. I don't have any hope of discovering magic and fun when I sit for my work. The life keeps going,  praises and rewards keeps me  going,  and these are the very things preventing me to think beyond, for something better , for a bigger picture. The world i...

I have the same sequence of thoughts. I think about work, what is it taking out of me and where will it take me, and during the process, I'll either end up scrolling or sleeping, expressing my mental physical tiredness. I don't know how my friends are managing this internship and taking out consistent time to study and prepare for the competitive exams and with their instagram stories revealing that they are not missing out on fun! And, about the internship- I try to finish the tasks I have been given; I try to do a little more, learn a little more, try something beyond the regular stuff till the time I am tired. I try imagining where exactly, out of the places I have been posted, would I like to be working. but till now, I have not been able to reach to a conclusion. Give me a few free hours and I will either sleep or read novels. Recently the latest books I have read are- The Bastard of Istanbul , The –Perfect– Marriage and right now, its Girls Burn Brighter - all these nove...

The Stationary Shop of Tehran by Marjan Kamali A beautiful historical fiction story. It's set initially in Tehran and later, in the USA,  the author tells the tale of Bahman and Roya from their initial meeting at The Stationary Shop of Tehran at the adolescent age of 17,  and being able to meet again at 77, from the age of innocence to the time when they have  experienced whole of their lifes' without each other. The story is about the course of their love over the span on 60 years of timespan. It was the time when Iran faced the political mishaps, the thoughts of the citizens were not untouched by the changing political situations, from the thoughts progressive about women's education to a time when the rules were strict and backwards. These political instability played a hug role in sepration of the protagonist, in a way which was unjustified and abrupt.Yet,  The author gives the reader satisfaction of the clouser for the protagonists sepration, clarification for w...

A short road trip to a little and non-crowded beach nearby came unplanned. We wanted to get someone away from normal life and hesitantly we agreed for the beach, with the condition applied that if the roads were unsuitable for the drive,we would head back home. Given that the beach was just 22 km away from home, with the probability of returning , and hence less motivation in mind to reach out destination , we left home within half an hour of plan being agreed upon.  It was almost 45 mins drive, given the narrower roads and we stayed at the beech for about half an hour. The sun's setting reflection was marked by glittering on water, and the sky was beautiful with sun and grey white clouds which would hide the sun behind it occasionally, providing us the relief. I got 2 small shells from the water as a memory of the short yet much needed get away. It wasnt convenient for us to get into the water.  So after just clicking a few pictures and enjoying the peace and talks with my fa...

Day 1. When my parents and I left for the trip, we just had 3 things: the ticket to travel to the destination, the booking of the hotel to stay in and a few places in mind where we intended to go with no information beyond what GoogleMaps told me.  We neither  had a solid plan for the trip nor the return ticket. All we had was the feeling that we need to leave our current state and have some time out of the place we have been in for a few years. We needed a little getaway. So in the morning at 7 am, we reached the hotel room but since the official check-in time had to be 10 AM, we had to talk the owner in for an early booking. We got the room, ordered tea and sat down for a while. What next? We got ready for the day, whatever that would bring to us. I dressed up in my blue straight-leg denim with a short kurti with chikankari embroidery on it. I rarely wear makeup in my daily life but this time, I knew I had to do it! I made the front french braids and tied it into a pony at t...

 My work is just, a Part-of-my-life.  It’s not my entire life. I like my work, but I cannot spend my entire life just working. I can’t take out the feeling-of-being-alive from my life only because I am expected to be wanting to spend my entire life working. Messed up, right? I am currently in my 4th month of working life (too early to judge?). The initial 3 months were spent well. Things were new, we were learning, things were still intimidating, but overall, it went well. Now isn’t the same case. It feels like I want to avoid my time at work. I want to get out of my daily tasks as soon as possible, and if not, I’ll spend my entire day just following orders till I have no brain left to think about my life, my happiness and what I wish to accomplish in my life, beyond the daily labour. That’s not how an ideal employee thinks, right? I need to make balance, my work and my life. I have always wanted to work with my best inputs. That have always been the centre of my life, f...

I liked them, maybe because I needed them (the more I think about it , the more I am sure of this). I wanted them to recognise me, appreciate me, and acknowledge me. I did everything that was in my risk-tolerance to be there for them, utilising all my privileges for them , as far as it was feasible for me. I didn’t like picking up calls. I told them this. They still called and I had to pick up. They would text at off hours. I couldn't take any official day off from their texts. Can you turn off your internet when you know half of your recognition comes from there, even if you know that's not worth your time. It's just their laziness I was tolerating and not actually adding value in someone's life. They asked me things I have already been informed about. They were too lazy to search for them in the common group. So they called me instead, to forward it to them. They have a bigger friend circle than me. Couldn't they approach their friends before approaching me? I had...

Things have been pretty blank these days. Since I am an intern, the only people I am answerable to, are my seniors at work (and this transition from being in a bunch of people of the same group to working is fairly new to me). The work timings depend, on department to department, from unit to unit and within weekdays too. Currently I am at a calmer place so I do not have anything major to worry about. Things will be changing from next week, for the next 6 weeks, about which I have no idea. I’ll get clarity on the coming Tuesday. Coming back to the blank, with lesser hectic days, most of my time is spent lying on the sofa, scrolling through my favourite youtubers’ content, anything I would like to shop on and adding them to the bag and never with an intent of actually buying them. When not scrolling, I will either watch a movie or read a novel or hear them on audiobook apps. The loops never seem to end. When I realise that I have time at my hand and I have nothing to do, I go online se...

It's been almost 10 days after the exams got over. With all that happened during the whole year, it took a little while for the realisation to set in. The last year was mostly spent indoors, either in the class rooms physically or by online- classes. The most I have done the last year was to absorb content. The content majorly comprised of the syllabus to be covered and during the breaks, it was either a movie or a YouTube video or any artical online , basically,  content.  I haven't been out of the city for 2.5 years now, except for the 1 day trip to hill which we about 50 km from the city I live in. On one side, yes I want to venture out. On the other , it's havnt been a habit for me so shall it matters so much ? I am not sure over this. Now that I am free majorly, I have been trying to do some things.  And all the plans I made before the exam, are not yet done. Does this happen only to me., that when things ain't possible, we keep planning for them and when the right...

  I can stare at the sky and think about literally everything that’s there, be it connecting the dots of my past happenings that got me to the stage I am. While thinking about it, I feel as if I am narrating my favorite experiences to my long-gone friend. I jump from one experience to another, losing the chain of the story and eventually getting back from where I started. I think about the most practical things I can see in my future and what I’ll need to do for it. At times, I land up making alternate possibilities of how things might have turned out if I had made choices a little different from what I actually did. Sometimes, when I don’t want to think about anything in particular, I get my earphones and enjoy the music and the peace in me with the quiet of the night. Without anything to listen, my head will always be filled with something or the other. So yeah, that works sometimes. I see aeroplanes occasionally. They lit me up. Memories. Dreams. Possibilities. In these da...

A lot is going to change in a few months.  Right now, we are just into study and prepare for the exam, firstly securing its eligibility. These exams are important, super important and equally challenging. Feels tough to stay focused on the long-term goal while managing the other short-term urgent goals.  There is a lot of stuff that has been kept on halt till the exams. The to-do list will go on..... Most importantly, we will be out of the student role whose aim is just to clear off the exams well to someone with responsibility to do stuff worthwhile, having to play positive role and have a different learning experience. And yes, it is not that we will be free as a bird once the exam is passed. We will have responsibilities bigger than we now face and work in an aspect we have never done. The gears are expected to change. Something we have been waiting for since long, very long.   Right now, cutting off distractions is the main obstacle to be overcome. Got to focus o...

Be it the clothes that you opt for. Fashion is an expression right ? We choose clothes that are comfortable to our life just like our skin. But with all this fast and unsustainable fashion, the self-expression is losing is charm and so does our environment. Now fashion seems more of a task to fit yourself in the fake world. Buy less, smart and the only stuff you feel can represent your true, long term expression. Coming on to the next thing, the friendships we build. It takes time to understand someone, to know their goods and to know their bads. And so does the person needs times and experiences to understand your true sense of being in their life. It will take time and vulnerability and heck lot of experience. I feel there is no end to how well you can understand someone. One cannot just opt for the good qualities in another human being and look for another perfect one once they discover the bads in the previous person. That would be a mess. The third thing in my mind to support ...