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break off ...

I liked them, maybe because I needed them (the more I think about it , the more I am sure of this). I wanted them to recognise me, appreciate me, and acknowledge me. I did everything that was in my risk-tolerance to be there for them, utilising all my privileges for them , as far as it was feasible for me. I didn’t like picking up calls. I told them this. They still called and I had to pick up. They would text at off hours. I couldn't take any official day off from their texts. Can you turn off your internet when you know half of your recognition comes from there, even if you know that's not worth your time. It's just their laziness I was tolerating and not actually adding value in someone's life. They asked me things I have already been informed about. They were too lazy to search for them in the common group. So they called me instead, to forward it to them. They have a bigger friend circle than me. Couldn't they approach their friends before approaching me? I had a bigger authority and I was not supposed to entertain them this way. I never said anything about their stupidity. Happily tolerated everything for the sake of attention, praise, just a reply from them. I wanted to be someone for them. I wanted to leave this place with a happy bunch of relationships formed after mutual understanding in the times of hardships. Feels cliche as I type this.


I had this irking feeling before. I started shrinking myself from inside , pretending to be normal, actually better than outside. I still answered their calls and texts but never talked about anything beyond. I couldn't take the risk of them rejecting my feelings, for which the chances were really high. Not that I am a coward, I did express myself, to which the answers were– things will be fine with time, oh! I never noticed that, don't overthink it. I tried working better, appearing more friendly but I sucked at it. Ever had a feeling that you need to jump and dance at a concert you are not enjoying, only because the people around you are enjoying and since you are famous, you will be noticed?

Did I tell you I was mocked too?


Over time, I became less and less interactive and given that the language spoken here isn't my primary language, they too felt more comfortable in leaving me outside the conversation. Why bother at all? I just focus on doing my job and get out of this place as soon as I can, even if it means driving back home, which takes me 20 mins, while it rains and not having a raincoat. On the other hand, I think I have told enough about how worthlessly I have been spending my days when I am not at work. All this has been going on since the day I started college. I am in my final year. It's been a really long time spent here.


And after all these things, if I chose to back out, will I be called incompetent? I have tried this as well. Oh God! There was none to help me with that decision. Now I guess they have found someone better, who can fight for them. Of course they like him more but they wouldn't say that upfront to me, for they will lose a stupid cupid to work for them.


It hurts to accept this, but I need to  break from the shackles from the bondage of my liking. I don’t want to shrink further.

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