JustAnu

It's past midnight and I can't fall asleep. My mind is running wild, thinking in all aspects of life which is yet to come but I can't come to a conclusion, what exactly am I supposed to do next. Stay patient and let life come in way it's destined to be ? Keep waiting for the right time for the things to come ? I feel nervous , excited and impatient all at the same time.  I know very well that life couldnt be lived with rehearsals. Things will happen spontaneously and most of the special moments will be lived once, will be lived without any chance for second thought and something would just happen, irrespective of your reaction to it. I can't help it if I feel the decision taken wasn't right and I can't help prepare for the unexpected right now, when I feel you have time for it.  Have Patience girl and Presence !

Pretty standard evenings these days are one part of the day I crave for , everyday. Coming back from a workout almost around 6:30, that's the scenery welcoming the calm after a satisfactory workout, satiating my thirst of fresh Breeze and a glass of cold milk. I couldn't capture the whole sun set , but the shades it had spread in the sky did the job of bringing the soothing feeling and the peace. Going back in and getting off all the sweat , I get back to another of my favourite evening routine-  it's either getting post- workout meal preparation with the background bollywood songs  or actually heading out, to be out of the four walls and get in the city,  just being out there feels enough to call it a day-well- spent.

While travelling by a speedy vehicle, watching the landscapes passing by reminds me of the transience of events happening in our lives. The experiences we love and the ones we dread , both are alike in the eyes of time. It will all pass . It's all temporary. Some things do stay for longer than others. Some just stay in our heads while others bave impact on the daily happenings around us. Heard of the Sandcastle analogy of life ? That our lives is just like the sandcastle on the beach which is there one moment but maybe not the other moment ? The saying that we are just one call away or a few minutes away from living the life we never imagined for us? The whole perspective of impermanence of life was out of my mind for the last few months. There was something I wanted to hold tighter in my hands , with the aim of protecting it with me and not letting go. The tighter I tried to hold it, more hurting it became and faster it slipped away from me.  Learning letting go is not going to be...

She was travelling by train when she thought about him .They weren't related by blood. They met in college, became friends, he fulfilled her need of having a person close but no major restrictions and expectations. He did that flawlessly. That's all she knew. She longed to know what he thought of her. Of course she wasn't the most obedient person around him. They disagreed, she used to lose her demeanour and blabber whatever came to her heart, ultimately apologising for her reaction but not leaving her firm opinions unspoken. Their relationship wasn't public. Just a few friends knew about them and no one spoke a word beyond what was needed. The balance was perfect between them. The disclosures and the privacy, the secrets, held in heart or revealed with tears, the space they gave to each other yet being just a click away when needed. She thought about the day they first met without considering time-boundaries. She was just out from work-related trouble. He was just back...

Shut the doors, and focus on keeping yourself warm for, the one who had to go has departed already. You have sent your prayers, the silent ones and the other louder than necessary to be heard and yes, he has heard them. There is nothing more that could be done on your side. Keeping the doors open won't lure him back. It will just keep you cold from the thoughts and apprehensions. You've got to move forward and the first step that's needed is to close the doors. You'll be the potential villan in the story but at least you'll sleep with peace of mind for yourself. Think of how life would be, even if you got him back, but would it be back to normal, as comfortable as the time when none of this has happened? Accept that things have not been well understood and recovery is going to be from both the sides. Unlike the rest of the times, you can't cover up from his side today. And you can't coverup the whole matter just by yourself. Accept. And close the door.

I have spent hours and hours going over our conversations , trying to catch the moments where things went wrong, where steps could have been taken right at the moment to prevent what happened, from happening. Hours and hours of shedding tears, shying away from family, pretending everything is fine, all while having a numbing pain in the head and moist redness in the eyes. I long for spending my time alone as those are the moments where I can be completely honest with myself. They say I react to much. I invest and then expect too much. I am the ones who breaks relationships because things affect me and you never told me your side of the story. I can't be half invested. I can't be away from you and pretend that things between us haven't changed. Things have changed and that would show. I know he has a life outside me, that I should be respecting his individuality and space. I agree. I have been doing that since day 1.  What about the space he has left behind , treating me lik...