JustAnu

While travelling by a speedy vehicle, watching the landscapes passing by reminds me of the transience of events happening in our lives. The experiences we love and the ones we dread , both are alike in the eyes of time. It will all pass . It's all temporary. Some things do stay for longer than others. Some just stay in our heads while others bave impact on the daily happenings around us. Heard of the Sandcastle analogy of life ? That our lives is just like the sandcastle on the beach which is there one moment but maybe not the other moment ? The saying that we are just one call away or a few minutes away from living the life we never imagined for us? The whole perspective of impermanence of life was out of my mind for the last few months. There was something I wanted to hold tighter in my hands , with the aim of protecting it with me and not letting go. The tighter I tried to hold it, more hurting it became and faster it slipped away from me.  Learning letting go is not going to be...

She was travelling by train when she thought about him .They weren't related by blood. They met in college, became friends, he fulfilled her need of having a person close but no major restrictions and expectations. He did that flawlessly. That's all she knew. She longed to know what he thought of her. Of course she wasn't the most obedient person around him. They disagreed, she used to lose her demeanour and blabber whatever came to her heart, ultimately apologising for her reaction but not leaving her firm opinions unspoken. Their relationship wasn't public. Just a few friends knew about them and no one spoke a word beyond what was needed. The balance was perfect between them. The disclosures and the privacy, the secrets, held in heart or revealed with tears, the space they gave to each other yet being just a click away when needed. She thought about the day they first met without considering time-boundaries. She was just out from work-related trouble. He was just back...

Shut the doors, and focus on keeping yourself warm for, the one who had to go has departed already. You have sent your prayers, the silent ones and the other louder than necessary to be heard and yes, he has heard them. There is nothing more that could be done on your side. Keeping the doors open won't lure him back. It will just keep you cold from the thoughts and apprehensions. You've got to move forward and the first step that's needed is to close the doors. You'll be the potential villan in the story but at least you'll sleep with peace of mind for yourself. Think of how life would be, even if you got him back, but would it be back to normal, as comfortable as the time when none of this has happened? Accept that things have not been well understood and recovery is going to be from both the sides. Unlike the rest of the times, you can't cover up from his side today. And you can't coverup the whole matter just by yourself. Accept. And close the door.

I have spent hours and hours going over our conversations , trying to catch the moments where things went wrong, where steps could have been taken right at the moment to prevent what happened, from happening. Hours and hours of shedding tears, shying away from family, pretending everything is fine, all while having a numbing pain in the head and moist redness in the eyes. I long for spending my time alone as those are the moments where I can be completely honest with myself. They say I react to much. I invest and then expect too much. I am the ones who breaks relationships because things affect me and you never told me your side of the story. I can't be half invested. I can't be away from you and pretend that things between us haven't changed. Things have changed and that would show. I know he has a life outside me, that I should be respecting his individuality and space. I agree. I have been doing that since day 1.  What about the space he has left behind , treating me lik...

I asked him to wait downstairs for me. We just entered the hotel room we booked for ourselves and being exhausted by the journey and captivated by the beauty of the hotel interiors, he didn't take 5 minutes of our arrival, to announce that we are directly to head out in the Food Court of the hotel.  We are not lovers, just students who managed a short trip on a budget, hence the decision of booking a single room. Lets call him H. Inside the room, I take my time to relax, change my Short Kurti-jeans into a cute one piece flared mini dress, paired with lace up flats but the component I was waiting so desperately were the colored lenses (no more specks on this trip) and the Bob - styled wig. Don't get me wrong, I am super comfortable in my normal outfit, specks and naturally wavy hair in my regular life, but today..., well, it's not the Normal Day in my Normal life! My phone rang and I know it's him.  "We do not have whole day" he said, mimicking the 3 Idiots...

 I had 2 options with me ,  either I stay quiet about all the dissatisfactions I was carrying in me and accomplish Peace on the outside, or just the opposite of it - speak out my heart, even if that doesn't make sense for the one it's referred to and keep my heart out of the chaos on the inside. As always, I preferred the second option. They need to hear their own effects. How am I going to store. But this comes with the fact that, why do I always have to be the dissatisfied one , why do I am the one who has been affected enough to express. I don't like confronting them again and again and again. Aren't they affected ? Though, keeping mouth shut  and letting the distance grow silently have never been the preferred choice .