JustAnu

I have spent hours and hours going over our conversations , trying to catch the moments where things went wrong, where steps could have been taken right at the moment to prevent what happened, from happening. Hours and hours of shedding tears, shying away from family, pretending everything is fine, all while having a numbing pain in the head and moist redness in the eyes. I long for spending my time alone as those are the moments where I can be completely honest with myself. They say I react to much. I invest and then expect too much. I am the ones who breaks relationships because things affect me and you never told me your side of the story. I can't be half invested. I can't be away from you and pretend that things between us haven't changed. Things have changed and that would show. I know he has a life outside me, that I should be respecting his individuality and space. I agree. I have been doing that since day 1.  What about the space he has left behind , treating me lik...

I asked him to wait downstairs for me. We just entered the hotel room we booked for ourselves and being exhausted by the journey and captivated by the beauty of the hotel interiors, he didn't take 5 minutes of our arrival, to announce that we are directly to head out in the Food Court of the hotel.  We are not lovers, just students who managed a short trip on a budget, hence the decision of booking a single room. Lets call him H. Inside the room, I take my time to relax, change my Short Kurti-jeans into a cute one piece flared mini dress, paired with lace up flats but the component I was waiting so desperately were the colored lenses (no more specks on this trip) and the Bob - styled wig. Don't get me wrong, I am super comfortable in my normal outfit, specks and naturally wavy hair in my regular life, but today..., well, it's not the Normal Day in my Normal life! My phone rang and I know it's him.  "We do not have whole day" he said, mimicking the 3 Idiots...

 I had 2 options with me ,  either I stay quiet about all the dissatisfactions I was carrying in me and accomplish Peace on the outside, or just the opposite of it - speak out my heart, even if that doesn't make sense for the one it's referred to and keep my heart out of the chaos on the inside. As always, I preferred the second option. They need to hear their own effects. How am I going to store. But this comes with the fact that, why do I always have to be the dissatisfied one , why do I am the one who has been affected enough to express. I don't like confronting them again and again and again. Aren't they affected ? Though, keeping mouth shut  and letting the distance grow silently have never been the preferred choice . 

The feeling in the heart saying - what am I doing here - still lingers, waiting for the moment when things make sense, when the dots backward connect , when all the efforts and chaos feels worth going through. What is causing these thoughts, and what would it take get better free of them ? It's been long I have been bothered by these thoughts, never concluding in an answer. There is flicker of possibility I thought we have, which is to discover a feeling so freeing that feels like magic which comes over once we cross that threshold efforts levels. Only the beginnings are tough, once you get better, you'll start enjoying and that's where the magic begins! That's what I thought. Well, right now, this feeling is fading. I don't have any hope of discovering magic and fun when I sit for my work. The life keeps going,  praises and rewards keeps me  going,  and these are the very things preventing me to think beyond, for something better , for a bigger picture. The world i...

I have the same sequence of thoughts. I think about work, what is it taking out of me and where will it take me, and during the process, I'll either end up scrolling or sleeping, expressing my mental physical tiredness. I don't know how my friends are managing this internship and taking out consistent time to study and prepare for the competitive exams and with their instagram stories revealing that they are not missing out on fun! And, about the internship- I try to finish the tasks I have been given; I try to do a little more, learn a little more, try something beyond the regular stuff till the time I am tired. I try imagining where exactly, out of the places I have been posted, would I like to be working. but till now, I have not been able to reach to a conclusion. Give me a few free hours and I will either sleep or read novels. Recently the latest books I have read are- The Bastard of Istanbul , The –Perfect– Marriage and right now, its Girls Burn Brighter - all these nove...

The Stationary Shop of Tehran by Marjan Kamali A beautiful historical fiction story. It's set initially in Tehran and later, in the USA,  the author tells the tale of Bahman and Roya from their initial meeting at The Stationary Shop of Tehran at the adolescent age of 17,  and being able to meet again at 77, from the age of innocence to the time when they have  experienced whole of their lifes' without each other. The story is about the course of their love over the span on 60 years of timespan. It was the time when Iran faced the political mishaps, the thoughts of the citizens were not untouched by the changing political situations, from the thoughts progressive about women's education to a time when the rules were strict and backwards. These political instability played a hug role in sepration of the protagonist, in a way which was unjustified and abrupt.Yet,  The author gives the reader satisfaction of the clouser for the protagonists sepration, clarification for w...