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Killing that life within me

I have spent hours and hours going over our conversations , trying to catch the moments where things went wrong, where steps could have been taken right at the moment to prevent what happened, from happening.

Hours and hours of shedding tears, shying away from family, pretending everything is fine, all while having a numbing pain in the head and moist redness in the eyes. I long for spending my time alone as those are the moments where I can be completely honest with myself.

They say I react to much. I invest and then expect too much.

I am the ones who breaks relationships because things affect me and you never told me your side of the story. I can't be half invested. I can't be away from you and pretend that things between us haven't changed. Things have changed and that would show.

I know he has a life outside me, that I should be respecting his individuality and space. I agree. I have been doing that since day 1.  What about the space he has left behind , treating me like I am  not longer visible to him and all the efforts to get him talking - be it anger , frustration, trying-to-sort-out just couldn't help. All my efforts to being out any emotions other than silence are ending in nothingness.

Never have I ever experience such helplessness and hopelessness after giving every effort that was in my range of action.

Things around me , which have been associated with him, ( needless to say) remind me of him. And here I am , clearing every thing around me so that my own home does not become the source of  hurting memories.

It was hurting when I asked him to throw the gift I had sent him in the dustbin. He would have thought me to be out of my mind or maybe it's just a mood swing, just like all my other emotions are. What I didn't understand was, when it was so easy for him to throw my feelings in the trash can, what would he want to save by having sympathy for the inanimate objects. Do they remind him of me ? Does anything in the whole world remind him that I am still existing? Maybe not. Maybe in his mind, I am dead already. That's the reason neither my tears reach you, not my threats

They say I am wrong in feeling this. That I shouldn't behave like this. I should be rational and behave keeping in my mind that a single step could ruin a relationship that had years of building to what it is right now. 

Is there any thing left to be taken care of ?

Killing that part of my life in which we were there for each other won't be easy but that's the only vision I have right now, pushing me to start living again. Torn are the pages which had the our shared dreams inscribed in  them and here I am, starting again, my emotions as blank as the page in front of me.






( Just fiction )

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