JustAnu

 I had 2 options with me ,  either I stay quiet about all the dissatisfactions I was carrying in me and accomplish Peace on the outside, or just the opposite of it - speak out my heart, even if that doesn't make sense for the one it's referred to and keep my heart out of the chaos on the inside. As always, I preferred the second option. They need to hear their own effects. How am I going to store. But this comes with the fact that, why do I always have to be the dissatisfied one , why do I am the one who has been affected enough to express. I don't like confronting them again and again and again. Aren't they affected ? Though, keeping mouth shut  and letting the distance grow silently have never been the preferred choice . 

The feeling in the heart saying - what am I doing here - still lingers, waiting for the moment when things make sense, when the dots backward connect , when all the efforts and chaos feels worth going through. What is causing these thoughts, and what would it take get better free of them ? It's been long I have been bothered by these thoughts, never concluding in an answer. There is flicker of possibility I thought we have, which is to discover a feeling so freeing that feels like magic which comes over once we cross that threshold efforts levels. Only the beginnings are tough, once you get better, you'll start enjoying and that's where the magic begins! That's what I thought. Well, right now, this feeling is fading. I don't have any hope of discovering magic and fun when I sit for my work. The life keeps going,  praises and rewards keeps me  going,  and these are the very things preventing me to think beyond, for something better , for a bigger picture. The world i...

I have the same sequence of thoughts. I think about work, what is it taking out of me and where will it take me, and during the process, I'll either end up scrolling or sleeping, expressing my mental physical tiredness. I don't know how my friends are managing this internship and taking out consistent time to study and prepare for the competitive exams and with their instagram stories revealing that they are not missing out on fun! And, about the internship- I try to finish the tasks I have been given; I try to do a little more, learn a little more, try something beyond the regular stuff till the time I am tired. I try imagining where exactly, out of the places I have been posted, would I like to be working. but till now, I have not been able to reach to a conclusion. Give me a few free hours and I will either sleep or read novels. Recently the latest books I have read are- The Bastard of Istanbul , The –Perfect– Marriage and right now, its Girls Burn Brighter - all these nove...

The Stationary Shop of Tehran by Marjan Kamali A beautiful historical fiction story. It's set initially in Tehran and later, in the USA,  the author tells the tale of Bahman and Roya from their initial meeting at The Stationary Shop of Tehran at the adolescent age of 17,  and being able to meet again at 77, from the age of innocence to the time when they have  experienced whole of their lifes' without each other. The story is about the course of their love over the span on 60 years of timespan. It was the time when Iran faced the political mishaps, the thoughts of the citizens were not untouched by the changing political situations, from the thoughts progressive about women's education to a time when the rules were strict and backwards. These political instability played a hug role in sepration of the protagonist, in a way which was unjustified and abrupt.Yet,  The author gives the reader satisfaction of the clouser for the protagonists sepration, clarification for w...

A short road trip to a little and non-crowded beach nearby came unplanned. We wanted to get someone away from normal life and hesitantly we agreed for the beach, with the condition applied that if the roads were unsuitable for the drive,we would head back home. Given that the beach was just 22 km away from home, with the probability of returning , and hence less motivation in mind to reach out destination , we left home within half an hour of plan being agreed upon.  It was almost 45 mins drive, given the narrower roads and we stayed at the beech for about half an hour. The sun's setting reflection was marked by glittering on water, and the sky was beautiful with sun and grey white clouds which would hide the sun behind it occasionally, providing us the relief. I got 2 small shells from the water as a memory of the short yet much needed get away. It wasnt convenient for us to get into the water.  So after just clicking a few pictures and enjoying the peace and talks with my fa...

Day 1. When my parents and I left for the trip, we just had 3 things: the ticket to travel to the destination, the booking of the hotel to stay in and a few places in mind where we intended to go with no information beyond what GoogleMaps told me.  We neither  had a solid plan for the trip nor the return ticket. All we had was the feeling that we need to leave our current state and have some time out of the place we have been in for a few years. We needed a little getaway. So in the morning at 7 am, we reached the hotel room but since the official check-in time had to be 10 AM, we had to talk the owner in for an early booking. We got the room, ordered tea and sat down for a while. What next? We got ready for the day, whatever that would bring to us. I dressed up in my blue straight-leg denim with a short kurti with chikankari embroidery on it. I rarely wear makeup in my daily life but this time, I knew I had to do it! I made the front french braids and tied it into a pony at t...

 My work is just, a Part-of-my-life.  It’s not my entire life. I like my work, but I cannot spend my entire life just working. I can’t take out the feeling-of-being-alive from my life only because I am expected to be wanting to spend my entire life working. Messed up, right? I am currently in my 4th month of working life (too early to judge?). The initial 3 months were spent well. Things were new, we were learning, things were still intimidating, but overall, it went well. Now isn’t the same case. It feels like I want to avoid my time at work. I want to get out of my daily tasks as soon as possible, and if not, I’ll spend my entire day just following orders till I have no brain left to think about my life, my happiness and what I wish to accomplish in my life, beyond the daily labour. That’s not how an ideal employee thinks, right? I need to make balance, my work and my life. I have always wanted to work with my best inputs. That have always been the centre of my life, f...

I liked them, maybe because I needed them (the more I think about it , the more I am sure of this). I wanted them to recognise me, appreciate me, and acknowledge me. I did everything that was in my risk-tolerance to be there for them, utilising all my privileges for them , as far as it was feasible for me. I didn’t like picking up calls. I told them this. They still called and I had to pick up. They would text at off hours. I couldn't take any official day off from their texts. Can you turn off your internet when you know half of your recognition comes from there, even if you know that's not worth your time. It's just their laziness I was tolerating and not actually adding value in someone's life. They asked me things I have already been informed about. They were too lazy to search for them in the common group. So they called me instead, to forward it to them. They have a bigger friend circle than me. Couldn't they approach their friends before approaching me? I had...

Things have been pretty blank these days. Since I am an intern, the only people I am answerable to, are my seniors at work (and this transition from being in a bunch of people of the same group to working is fairly new to me). The work timings depend, on department to department, from unit to unit and within weekdays too. Currently I am at a calmer place so I do not have anything major to worry about. Things will be changing from next week, for the next 6 weeks, about which I have no idea. I’ll get clarity on the coming Tuesday. Coming back to the blank, with lesser hectic days, most of my time is spent lying on the sofa, scrolling through my favourite youtubers’ content, anything I would like to shop on and adding them to the bag and never with an intent of actually buying them. When not scrolling, I will either watch a movie or read a novel or hear them on audiobook apps. The loops never seem to end. When I realise that I have time at my hand and I have nothing to do, I go online se...

It's been almost 10 days after the exams got over. With all that happened during the whole year, it took a little while for the realisation to set in. The last year was mostly spent indoors, either in the class rooms physically or by online- classes. The most I have done the last year was to absorb content. The content majorly comprised of the syllabus to be covered and during the breaks, it was either a movie or a YouTube video or any artical online , basically,  content.  I haven't been out of the city for 2.5 years now, except for the 1 day trip to hill which we about 50 km from the city I live in. On one side, yes I want to venture out. On the other , it's havnt been a habit for me so shall it matters so much ? I am not sure over this. Now that I am free majorly, I have been trying to do some things.  And all the plans I made before the exam, are not yet done. Does this happen only to me., that when things ain't possible, we keep planning for them and when the right...